The procrastinator returns - late_bland

The procrastinator returns

Green in here, isn't it?
As you can see, my (very, very) rudimentary HTML skills have returned this blog to something approximating its former glory.
So, how long's it been? Nearly a year, you say? Gee whizz, time doesn't half fly by when you're flogging fine wine (and, some would say, a dead horse) in the arse-end of London.
Why the hiatus? Well, to tell you the truth, I kind of lost my taste for blogging. It happens. When I was a kid, I went through a phase when I would only eat tuna sandwiches - tuna, tuna, tuna. Tuna for breakfast, lunch and tea. Man, did I love tuna. So what if it contained dangerous levels of mercury? Tuna and me, we were pals. Then, all of a sudden, I went right off it. If I was offered a tuna sandwich, I would push it away. I'd make gagging noises. I'd give it to the dog - and we didn't even have a dog. I'd go out and find a dog specifically so I could feed it my tuna. I'm surprised the tuna fishing industry didn't collapse overnight. So total was my rejection of all things tuna that I didn't touch the stuff until a few years ago. Then, for some reason, I woke up one afternoon (I like a good lie-in) and thought "I fancy a salad nicoise". And that, as you say, was that. Tuna and I were reconciled.
So blogging = tuna. Okay?
I would like to summarize the last nine months for you in bullet-point form, so we're all up to speed and normal service can resume. Right, here we go:
January: I had a hangover that seemed to last all month. It turned out that I had glandular fever. And, since it is the "kissing disease", I had to keep away from Lucy. Mmm, special torture.
February: Still feeling like a steaming heap of crap thanks to the glandular fever. This didn't stop me going to Cologne for Karnival. Though, in retrospect, drinking industrial quantities of beer was maybe not the best thing to do while still convalescing. It turns out that alcohol doesn't, in fact, kill the germs. Braincells, yes. Bacteria, no.
March: Lucy's Great-Aunt Rosalee kicked the bucket. She was a game old bird, and apparently snuffed it while trying to re-align her satellite dish by hitting it with a shoe. The funeral was a rather jolly affair, with lots of her old pals from her days as an exotic dancer - glamorous old ladies with a rather shocking line in innuendo. Lucy inherited the blue 1978 Morgan, and I pray to Great-Aunt Rosalee for protection every time we take a corner too fast.
April: Did anything happen in April? I'm not sure. I think maybe Marxist Jim did some shouting.
May: Jasper and Nell celebrated their one year anniversary, which meant that I lost my (rather mean-spirited) bet that their marriage wouldn't last 12 months. On the plus side, I am reliably informed that Nell appears to have turned into a demanding, screeching harpy, so at least I had a lucky escape when she ditched me.
June: I turned 37. And the least said about that, the better.
July: A bit of a shocker, this. One of my good friends, who had hitherto been something of a ladies' man, well and truly came out of the closet. I'll leave you to guess who it was (hint: it wasn't Wall-Street Phil, who is too exhausted by running around after little Jude to even think about sex). If you guess right, I'll let you know all the juicy details.
August: A week's holiday in the South of France which was delightful, thank you very much. Apart from me managing to get a quite severely sunburnt arse (don't ask... I said don't ask), which meant sitting down was virtually impossible. My, but that was an enjoyable return flight. "Sir, can you return to your seat, we are about to begin our descent." "Um, can't I just stand up? I promise not to fall over or anything." Classy.
September: DISASTER!
Yes, disaster.
But if you wish to know the nature of the disaster, you will have to tune in again for the next gripping* installment. I promise not to make you wait another nine months for it.

*may not actually be gripping
The Bottle Shop recommendation for today: Spier Shiraz 2005 (South Africa). A big, powerful wine with gingery, peppery flavour and plenty of body. Great for drinking in large quantities after a DISASTER. £6.99

2.10.06 12:03

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To date 14 Comment(s) TrackBack-URL

lemonsquash / Website (3.10.06 11:21)
Your July bullet cannot be about me. I have never been a ladies' man.

Late (3.10.06 11:24)
More of a man's lady?

Katja / Website (3.10.06 11:36)
Late! Good Lord - I thought you'd died. That wasn't the disaster, was it?

Late (3.10.06 11:39)
Not unless I am writing from beyond the veil.

cathexist (3.10.06 11:44)
About bloody time. You do take your assumed name literally don't you?

Anyway, hurrah for tuna-esque blogprochements and welcome back. You have been missed.

foxinthesnow / Website (3.10.06 12:00)
My Bloglines subscription lit up with excitement this morning with a new post from you. Welcome back, and hello.

erudite baboon / Website (3.10.06 12:05)
hurrah!

Snag / Website (3.10.06 17:48)
*sniff*

What time d'you call this then?

menace / Website (3.10.06 19:10)
Is it the Italian who's out? Enzo or whatever his name is?

Incidentally I could get into annual blogging. I think there's a lot to be said for it.

Voltan / Website (3.10.06 21:57)
Ha ha ha! Disaster! Tardiness! There is much to amuse Voltan here.

lilo / Website (4.10.06 09:18)
I'm gripped

Jackie (8.10.06 00:24)
Hurrah! You're back! I've been checking the site forlornly every couple of months and worrying that you'd been eaten by badgers. But no, all is well (other than the ceiling of course). Welcome back.

pog (18.10.06 11:06)
About bloody time.

david / Website (31.10.06 20:43)
Welcome back. I stumbled across your blog a while back, and kept a note of it because I thought that your story about the plastic ball party was one of the funniest things I had read for a while.

Sorry about your roof.